“When saying yes makes you feel angry and saying no makes you feel guilty”  - Author Unknown -

Codependency is a term used to describe unhealthy and destructive patterns of relating to others and oneself. It was first used in the 1970s by Alcoholics Anonymous to describe people in relationships with alcoholics, who became obsessed with trying to ‘fix’ or control the alcoholic’s behaviour.

Now it applies to anyone who sacrifices his or her own needs in a relationship to care for, or attempt to control, someone else.

On the one hand they put other people’s needs before their own, going out of their way to please and serve in the hope of gaining validation; and on the other hand, the codependent tries to manipulate these same people into meeting their own expectations of them.

When efforts go unrewarded, they experience intense disappointment and anger, and feel victimised.

At the root of codependency is a lack of self-esteem, a feeling of not being good enough, and that only other people can give them the validation that they so desperately seek.  Codependents also have indistinct and muddled boundaries, an inability or reluctance to define their parameters in relation to others.

Distinguished from interdependence, which is when two people or more relate as equals in a mature, open ‘give-and-take’ way, the ever-anxious codependent feels compelled to put others first, at the expense of his/her needs and identity.

Codependence is usually founded on learned and maladaptive strategies developed during childhood in an attempt to have needs met, and which are subsequently carried, unchallenged, into adult relationships.

When a child is growing up and sees adoring, non judgemental eyes of mum or dad looking back, they will experience a healthy attachment to the parent. Conversely, when a child sees critical eyes or no eyes at all looking back, they will feel, at an unconscious level, bad and wrong and believe that it is something they are doing, not the parent.

An anxious attachment is born in this way. From this, coping mechanisms evolve, one of which is co-dependency, another is addiction. 

If you feel that you may be codependent, help is at hand. For as soon as you can recognise codependent patterns of behaviour within yourself, there are measures you can take to get back to a healthy and self-nurturing way of being.

Co-dependency is a pattern of habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms.  It is usually a result of living in a home with someone who suffers from drug addiction, alcoholism, or other addictive/compulsive behaviours such as food; sex and love; and gambling.

It can also present where a child has experienced a trauma or unhealthy or poor attachment to a parent or parents. It also spans generations, so people carry it into their new families from their family of origin.

In these dysfunctional homes, there are three messages that are not explicitly stated but nonetheless, are reinforced everyday by unhealthy behaviours, actions, and beliefs.

These three messages are:

      Don't talk

      Don't feel 

Healthy Families and Dysfunctional Living Conditions

In healthy, functional families, all members feel free to express their emotions, talk to one another, trust one another, and they feel free to tell the truth. 

Living in an unhealthy environment where family members feel as if they have to continuously "walk on egg shells," however, leads to anxiety and tension.

In fact, stress levels and feelings of anxiety increase in such dysfunctional homes due to the rigid and inflexible rules, norms and beliefs that are imposed on family members who are, in many respects, "held hostage" in the current family arrangement.

Ironically, the co-dependent person also becomes "addicted".  In this instance, however, it is not an addiction to a harmful substance, but rather to a destructive pattern of relating to other people in the dysfunctional household.

Ironically, these harmful relationship patterns, in many instances, are perpetuated even after the alcoholic or chemically addicted person becomes sober or "clean."  Certainly, when viewed from the outside, sobriety in the household would seem to lead to a less chaotic domestic situation. 

When viewed from the inside, however, the co-dependents may be more depressed and unhappy than ever because the earlier balance, no matter how damaging or detrimental, has been upset.

Co-dependent Coping Mechanisms

The following is a list of the coping mechanisms typically used by co-dependents.

Denial

I deny my own needs and feelings in the name of being unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

I have a difficult time knowing what I feel.

I deny, change, or minimize how I truly feel.

Low Self Esteem

I value others' approval of my feelings, actions, and thinking over my own.

I do not see myself as a worthwhile or lovable person.

I have a hard time making decisions.

I critically judge everything I say, do, or think as "not good enough."

I feel self-conscious when I receive positive strokes or gifts from others.

I do not ask others to honour my wants or needs.  

Compliance

I am afraid to express my own opinions and feelings, especially if they are different.

I ignore my own interests and desires in order to do what others want.

I turn to sex when I want love.

I am loyal to the point that I stay too long in destructive situations.

I value the opinions and feelings of others more than my own.

I do not assert my own values and integrity in order to avoid the anger and rejection of others.

I am overly sensitive to how others feel and adopt what they are feeling as my own.

Control

I become resentful when others refuse my help.

I use sex to get acceptance and approval.

I freely offer suggestions and advice without being asked by others.

I have to feel that I am needed before I can have a relationship with others. 

I go overboard with favours and gifts for people I care about.

I believe other people are not capable of taking care of themselves.

I try to persuade others how they "should" think and feel.

I freely offer suggestions and advice without being asked by others.

If you feel that you fit some of the above description , complete the Codependency self test on this web site and if you believe you have a problem get some professional help and/or go to a meeting of Alanon or Codependents Anonymous.